I was born to create, that much I knew for sure. Like many other creative’s I was constantly bombarded with ideas and inspiration everywhere I turned, sometimes to the point of being overwhelmed. There were always so many possibilities and never enough time. I remember thinking I’d never find that one thing I was truly passionate about; that one thing I could be great at, that would make me truly unique. Nope, I often felt invisible and for an extremely shy child that was okay…except deep inside I wanted to be accepted, to be seen and loved. Reality was, that just wasn’t me.
As a child and into my adulthood I was constantly trying to make people happy and be what they thought I should be. I eventually got married and took my insecurities and foolish ways of thinking into my marriage. Needles to say it didn't go well. The longer we were together, the more I tried to be what I thought he wanted me. I spent days crying, feeling empty, lost and hurt. Why wasn't I ever enough? Why couldn't I make this work? Why did I ever think I was good enough to be loved? These questions plagued my life and filled my days.
Then one day as I was mindlessly going through the motions of dishes, gazing out into the desert I could see beyond my fence a thought floated through my mind. "If I drove out there and ended my life no one would ever miss me." The thought, as fleeting as it may have been made me realize just how miserable I'd let myself get. I needed to change and I needed to change my life.
Although it took me 12 years to work up the courage to walk away, trust myself and finally strip away everyone else’s expectations I finally managed to do it. It was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever made but ultimately the best one too. My divorce lead me to the realization that it wasn’t finding my creative passions I was having trouble with but actually finding myself and what I loved that I was missing.
And thus my creative path began. I’m still learning who I am but now I’m living life my way for me, nobody else.
'Til next time,
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